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Five Imaginary Operations

This week, Dan asked:

It has become the norm these days to name American wars, not as wars, but as operations. We’ve had everything from Operation Desert Storm to Operation Just Cause and most recently Operation Iraqi Freedom. Methinks someone is paying a bit too much attention to the suits from marketing… either that, or not enough — I mean, really… “Operation Iraqi Freedom”… who thought up that name? As such, you, Mr/Ms Marketroid have been given the authority to launch five small(ish) wars, but only if you can convince the execs that the market will buy it. So, what are your five targets, and more importantly, what will your war be called?

Well, I’m coming to this late, it shall have to be hasty. I don’t know that I would be launching “wars” as much as assassination/arrest operations, but anyway, here are my answers:

  1. Operation Sour Whiskey: Kim Jong Il would be taken out with a poisoned shipment of special, extra-expensive cognac or whatever the hell he’s drinking these days. The shipment would possibly take out a number of his elite cadres as well. This would make things easier to reconstruct differently in the aftermath, and harder to reconstruct in the same way. Perhaps I’d plant a few operatives to initiate looting of cadre homes in the aftermath, and airdrop tons of South Korean magazines all over the country, to help the commoners know exactly how lied-to they’ve been.
  2. Operation Smackdown, Take Two: In 1812 The British invaded America and burned the White House to the ground. It was spoken of in Canada as a “sweet revenge” for the invading Americans sacked and burned York. There were even commemorative plates made somewhere, according to a Canadian friend of mine. Well, as much as we may love certain Americans, many of the intelligent young Canadians I know think America’s lost touch with both reality and the rest of the planet. Nothing like a little invasion and military vandalism to help America reconnect. I’d obviously be pitching this to foreign investors.
  3. Operation Shut The Fuck Up You Evil Sick B*tch. You might have guessed it. Ann Coulter needs to shut up. 50 operatives, 100 video/tech corps: the perfect political reality TV show. And there’d be huge spinoff potential, too; Pat Buchanan, Tom Delay, and even the White House Regime could be “stars” of our human huntdown.
  4. Operation Show Me The Money: This attack would be on the known corrupt corporations of the world. It wouldn’t take much weaponry, though; just a few hackers and some inside information if we could get it. Funds transfers in the millions to… national pensions around the world, health care for everyone, medicines and food distribution networks. It could be a really good thing for the world. And of course, with all the CEOs out of the way, the real brains in the businesses would be free to get some real work done.
  5. Operation Read It For Yourself: It’d be fun to take out some televangelists.

Obviously I’d be pitching all of this to someone else other than the big American corporations.I’m thinking foreign conglomerates, as well as mavericks who see a chance to make money in a different way than usual. Actually, since I think war is a horror and a bad thing, it’d easy to see why none of these operations is actually very war-like. But hey, if they got results. I’m dubious, but I’m dubious about doing nothing, too.

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