Spam. I know, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, but…
This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met.
No, I’m quite used to spam.
I have to say that I have no intentions of causing you any pains so i decided to contact you through this medium.
But now that I’ve received spam from you, I’ve decided that I have an intention of causing you pains.
As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.
That’s very nice of you to remind me. I am hoping your day comes very soon.
My name is Abdullah Hassan, a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with prostate and esophageal Cancer that was discovered very late due to my laxity in caring for my health.
No, it’s because there must be a God out there who heard all my prayers and decided that I had exactly the right idea of what should happen to email spammers.
It has defiled all form of medicine and right now,
DEFILED? Woah, dud, you need to call, like an exorcist or something.
I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts.
Which you have decided to use up by writing spam mail letters to send to the world. Very clever.
I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business.
So you’re a bastard.
Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.
A real bastard. Well, congratulations, fuckwit.
But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.
By George, he’s figured it out. The most marketable scam of all — pretending you don’t care about money, as a way to get more money! Fucking genius, this guy.
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.
Unless of course God consigns you to the ninth pit of hell for sending spam email. Which, going by the state of my prayers coming true so far in regard to you, may be a distinct possibility, right?
Now that I know my time is near, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members and as well as a few close friends and Schools in the UAE. I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.
You mean, aside from sending more email spam?
So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, London and Ireland.
Let me guess, now you want to donate in poor countries, too? No, wait — to send charity spam to the poor, right?
Ha, charity spam.
I kill me.
Then I kill you.
Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this my self any more. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and donate the money, which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria; they refused and kept the money to themselves.
Of course they did. You’ve been a bastard to your family all your life and then in a pique of guilt started donating to charities. I mean, had you no thought for inheritance? And hey, dude, if you were such a bastard all your life, who do you think they learned this from? Huh?
Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.
Maybe they just hate you. Bad aftertaste of a lifetime of eating damned spam, and all.
The last of my money which is the huge cash deposit that I have with Financial Firm Abroad .I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations and let them know that it is me Abdullah Hassan that is making this generous donation.
Dude, why do you trust me?
I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I wait for my time to come. I pray that God uses you to support and assist me with good heart.
I pray that your heart stops before you can send any more email spam out onto the net and clog it with your ravings and rantings and crap. And by the way, I know you’re really in Nigeria.
God be with you.
And may the Force be with you.
Abdullah Hassan
NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I don’t want anything that will jeopardize my last wish.
You mean like posting it to my website, for example?
And also I will be contacting you by email as i don’t want anybody to know because they are always around me. Do endeavor to send your phone as well as your fax for easy communication.
Yeah, because I need Nigerian spammers calling me in the middle of the night. That’s TOTALLY what I need.
You got it, mate. Right after I gargle with Drano and convert to Mormonism Scientology.
I no longer think the death penalty is a fair end for spammers to meet. It’s far too lenient. I think cutting pieces off, one a month, randomly determined by the roll of a percentile die, and making them work hard labour the rest of the time in some kind of prison, that’d be much fairer.