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Kim Jong Il declares Japanese Tsunami an “Act of War”

A tsunami warning in Japan was issued after major quake in the ocean, and Kim Jong Il, always quick on the draw with his dialectic, has spoken out against the Sea of Japan.

The Japan, he’s a bery bad, and he making the colonies like a Monopoli game, and him not equipped to withstanding my it’s a Juche. This it’s a tsunami it’s an act of American Aggression through the flunkyist crony of the Japan. He making is Sea of Korea make Sea pushing and crush the Free land of Joseon [North Korea].

Apparently Kim was then dragged away, while still foaming at the mouth, by his own bodyguards.

Lawmakers in Seoul have expressed optimism, with one popular theory that Kim has been replaced by a Pod Person. Says Uri Party member Roh Him Deul,

I’m 1997 meeting the Kim Jong Il and his speaking, his speaking the English, it’s a very nice. Even he’s more better than I’m. He can do. So this one, this is new Kim. It’s a Pod People Kim.

GNP lawmakers were more dubious. “Stroke,” said one Korean American translator, whom they hired — thank goodness, so this article can have at least one decent quote. “They think he’s had a stroke. They’re kind of hoping that that’s what it is, since the son of a bitch ran the country with a defective brain all this time. Being down to half a brain shouldn’t slow him down any, right? Because heaven forbid he dies. We’ll have all kinds of crap to deal with then. And we need to get Ms. Park into her daddy’s house, er, I mean, elected President, first.”

However, in private, the translator was more candid: “Man, I think the whole nuclear test? That was like, setting up a farm for the Pod People. I mean, they eat radiation, don’t they?”

Asked for comment, Ms. Park said she would be willing to meet Mr. Kim, pod person or no, and even let out some of the beauty tips, which, after all, are crucial for world leaders.

Asked about the Pod People theory, the North Korean ambassador to China responded confusingly. His earlier, seeming confirmation turned out to be the result of miscommunication. “I thought your meaning is, does Kim Jong Il is listening the iPod. I’m very question. How they put musician inside iPod? Very dangerous, I’m think. That’s my think to America. Very danger.”

Washington has issued no comment as of yet, but Apple Computers hinted that it has been eyeing the North Korean mp3 market, and have indeed given Kim Jong Il a trial iPod unit loaded with patriotic North Korean tracks and films, including some of the films he directed himself. “Hey, all they need is the tech, and we have that by the trillions of units,” said Korean-American spokesperson Hye Rim Jobs (no relation to Steve Jobs). “Those people are certainly not the type to start bitching and moaning about freedom of information or unfair controls on music tracks, that’s for sure, so we expect no complaints about DRM from them anytime soon. Like, ever. If only more of the world were like that.”

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