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I am BLASTING Elliot Smith Right now

…because the people in the accursed Church across the parking lot are wailing in tongues, with the window wide open. Someone in that church is playing soft, New-Agey piano background music to this bizarre bedlam. Note the time: it’s 6:30pm on a Tuesday. These people do this crap en masse at any time of the day or night. Last night, 10pm, in the parking lot. Bedlam for all the neighborhood to hear.

If they spoke English, I would probably just join the Church for the purposes of tormenting them; everytime they spoke in tongues I’d just scream expletives in strings and, afterwards, ask them what was wrong, why they’re looking at me like that.

As it is, they’re Korean monolinguals, I am certain. So here’s my plan.

Step 1: I’m going to learn how to say in Korean, “Didn’t Jesus command you to love your neighbours?”

Step 2: The very next time they pull this crap I’m going to go into the f@cking church, say, “Excuse me? Excuse me? Didn’t Jesus command you to love your neighbours? Your neighbours don’t want to hear your noise.” and then cross the room, and close the window that they so very rudeluy leave open during all their mental worship sessions.

Step 3: I’m going to take my saxophone and practice in our parking lot, aiming directly at their window. I will play as satanic a version of atonal jazz as I can.

Step 4: When they ignore this, I’m going to buy a TV, a VCR, two HUGE speakers, and two video tapes. One will be a very violent gangster movie in Korean with LOTS of swearing. (I think I know which one to use.) The other will be a porno tape, with lots of nasty talk, all in Korean. (Korean softcore porn is available… I don’t know if there’s anything that’s heavily talky, and full of moans. But I suppose I could dub a soundtrack to blast, from all the good bits of a given tape, on a loop.) Whenever the Church window is open and offensive noise emerges, I will blast one or the other video tape. Just to mix it up a little, I’ll sometimes play Buddhist chants, or Buddhist sermons (you can buy tapes with such sermons), in order to max out the theological offense. Forcing your world on others isn’t only one-way. I shall blast, at full blast, whenever they have any kind of service with the window open. Wednesday night; Tuesday evening. Sunday bloody morning, if need be. Until they close the goddamned window. I am even starting to wonder how much speakers mountable to the external wall of the apartment building would cost.

The sad thing is they probably won’t get the message, and they’ll just feel more like they’re truly living in that (beautiful, by the way) image CS Lewis drew of the 20th century Christian in Mere Christianity: a small band of soldiers trapped in occupied territory. Fine, then… embattle them I shall. That image doesn’t suit them, though: this bunch behaves much more like thoughtless garage rockers than compassionate and beleaguered worshippers of a God of love.

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