Crazy, Sane, Dating, and Single

Men Are Crazy for Women Who Are, Too

Margaret Atwood wrote, in Lady Oracle,

My mother’s two categories; nice men did things for you, bad men did things to you.

And you hear a lot about how bad men are always being nasty to good women. Why don’t you hear those stories about how these supposedly good women gravitate to the bad men? One of my friends said to me recently, “If a woman is dating an asshole, she’s probably an asshole too… so they deserve one another.”

This stuck in my head, especially after today finding out that one of my old friends from high school is secretly dating 2 women at once. I have been basically stuck in single mode for the last four years (with only a few months out of that mode to show for my efforts) and he somehow lands 2 girlfriends at once.

It’s tempting to call him a bad man like the bad men out of the stories women friends tell me. It’s somehow easier to call people bad or good or crazy, and understand the stories of our lives that way, especially when people hurt us. But maybe these girls can’t tell what he is up to. Maybe they would be mortified by his behaviour.

The link above leads to an article discussing the reverse of this situation, how men keep getting drawn to women who are, well, “crazy”. I recognize this, in my own friends and in my past too. It’s an interesting counterpart to the “women date jerks” theory… men date crazy women. It’s not necessarily true, of course. I only was involved with one really crazy woman. But if many women really need to think about what they want, then so do many, many men.

7 thoughts on “Crazy, Sane, Dating, and Single

  1. Not only am I dating them but I’m sleeping with them too. And, yes, they are clueless. And, yes, one is crazy and the other is quite naive. And yes, I’m attracted to both, especially the crazy one… but when the naive one is crawling into bed with me in her underwear, it’s hard to turn her down…

    And yes, I’ve become the kind of man I always – and I mean *always* – looked *way* down on. …And all that stuff about sex being a spiritual connection hasn’t gone out the window but is certainly on the back burner. As another cheat said to me today, “Hey, man, you only live once. Don’t pass up these opportunities while you have ’em.” …I can’t believe I’m in his camp now.

  2. Thanks for the nice comment Sun Hwa. I did change the background! It’s a picture from my balcony in my new apartment in Jeonju!

    As for you, John… I can say from experience that you will never understand quite how nasty what you are doing to these girls is until it is done to you someday. Because, John, it isn’t wonderful. It’s crap. I thought it was a temporary error, something you honestly felt at least somewhat badly about… but man, you’re gloating about it.

    I was thinking today and realized it? silly of me to think that women are attracted to bad men, and that “nice’ men finish last. There aren’t nice guys and bad guys, or nice girls and bad girls… nobody is essentially , meaning by nature, nice or bad. We choose to be decent people or to be jerks.

    And when someone makes a practice of doing things like this, one affects oneself. One becomes selfish and shallow and stops being able to think about how other people actually feel. If you do it long enough, all the motivational tapes and self-help group memberships and books in the world won’t make you better.

    As I said in my email to you, part of this is bitterness and jealousy of ability to have even one relationship (let alone two) since I am so bad with women… but I also think what you’re doing really sucks.

    But of course, I suppose if it works for you… I just hope that either the girls do not find out about this, or that someday you know how it feels. Because I can tell you, it feels like shit.

    I am writing a song about it, anyway. And I suppose you won’t mind, since you seem, when not actually claiming to feel bad about it, to be rather pleased with yourself.

  3. Dude, that’s just wrong. It’s one thing if they both know, and are cool with it, but it’s stupid and cruel and dangerous to lie to people like that.

    You get lots of opportunities to do things in your life, but you’re not obligated to take them.

  4. Yeah, Adam’s right. Remember Bill Hicks’ response to seeing women crazy over… well, I think it was the serial killer Ted Bundy’s fans he was talking about, but anyway, it does convey my own sense of the ridiculousness of this situation, as well as my emotional attitude:

    And I’m single? What is it that you ladies want?

  5. You said you are bad with women. I don’t see where this is coming from. Just because chance hasn’t seen you meet a woman with whom you can connect doesn’t meet you are bad with women. I think you are great with women. You are who you are and sooner or later someone will come along who is worthy of you, who has or can relate to your style and outlook on the world.
    Float… take life where it goes.

  6. Ah, but I am good at connecting, and in that sense I am good with women, yes. Most of my friends are women, and that’s because I can connect with them well… but in ways that seem to make dating me unnecessary or undesirable, maybe because they don’t feel they’d get more out of a closer relationship with me, or just because for some mystical reason I am not attractive to them.

    Even though I have more female friends than most of my male friends combined, I am the only person I know who’s been consistently single as long as I have, and my no:yes ratio is much higher than anyone else I know (who speaks openly with me about these things), too. Suggestively high, I am tempted to think.

    That’s what I mean by being bad with women: that it feels as if there must be a reason that when the commencement of romantic relationships in my life is rare enough to be a shock, and last about as long as an electric shock. Why might that be?

    I am trying to be less frustrated, more open and patient. But you know, when you wait longer than anyone you know, and are advised to just keep waiting, it seems like crazy advice. It seems like saying, “Just do more of the same.” One cannot help but think that what one is doing is intrinsically connected to the results one gets. Isn’t one of the definitions of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

    And I’m not complaining about having so many female friends. I just don’t conceive of my life as ruled by fate. I believe there are explicable causes for things. And I wonder why the particularities of my life are as they are… for example why I have pretty consistently struck out almost two to three times longer than anyone I know. Not to whine or sob. At this particular moment (I mean *right now*) it’s more an object of curiosity than a source of pain, though of course sometimes that flares up. (As it would for anyone.)

    In any case, thanks for your thoughts and kind encouragement.

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