My father has passed away.

I am on my way to Saskatoon now. It was sudden and unexpected, a result of a surgery he told me he might have but which he said wouldn’t be serious. It was serious, and a couple of days after it, he slipped away in the night. He did not suffer, which is a help to know.

I wish I’d gone home for my holida; not doing so was a decision I think I will regret forever, though I am trying not to feel guilty about it. We could have seen one another one more time, and I missed that chance, out of simple stupidity. Guilt, as I told Lime, is a poison and it’s not what he would have wanted. But I wish I could have had that last chance to see him again. I wish I had even just called him, to talk with him, after the surgery I didn’t even know he’d had.

Damn it.

As it was, I was both impressed by those along the way who sympathetically helped Lime and myself back to Korea, offering refunds on this and that, and at the same time quite shocked at how callous others could be, refusing to help someone get home to a funeral. But the good won out and I am one short flight from home now.

I miss him even more than I did when only distance separated us. I’ve lost him, and won’t see him again in this old, ragged world.

Nothing more to say for now, and I expect it might be a little bit of a long “now”.

17 thoughts on “Mourning

  1. Gord, my heart goes out to you at this doubly difficult time. I’m really sorry this has happened.

    I don’t think there’s anything I can say that will help you, except to say that I’m glad you are in the world. Also, please don’t beat yourself up for not going home for this vacation; you made what seemed like a good decision at the time. Regretting it is natural, but don’t insult yourself over it. Your father would not want you to do that, I’m sure.

    Good luck and hang in there.

  2. My condolences to you Gord.

    My father passed on when I was a younger lad.

    The last memory I have of him is his smile as he closed the door on my bedroom.

    Please don’t beat yourself up too much over wishing you were there.

    Take it from someone who grew up wishing that he could go back and tell him everything that a young lad could- That it really isn’t worth it.

    Be grateful for the time you had.

    I wish you the best. Take care.

  3. Thank you everyone. The funeral was today, and I think he’d be happy and proud of it. So many people said wonderful, amazing things about him at the funeral reception.

    My family’s not, well, not having fun with this, but doing pretty well, and I am too, consider all this. There’s grief, but also pride in my dad, and thankfulness for the time we had, and so many good memories. The Eulogy I wrote (with a lot of help and input from my family) made people laugh and laugh, which was appropriate to my dad, but also said the important things, I think. I hope. I believe.

    Maybe, maybe, I’m mostly still in shock and numb, but right now, I’m doing, well, okay. Anyway, thank you to everyone for your kind words.

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