RIMPAA Sues Whole Nation of Somalia in a Major New Lawsuit Aimed at Ending Piracy

Reuters (HOLLYWOOD) Jimmy Felching, the official representative of the RIMPAA (the new organization formed by the merger of the RIAA and the MPAA) announced this morning that the new organization has filed a claim against the entire nation of Somalia in their renewed war against “piracy.” Indeed, Felching urged President Obama to “help bring and end to piracy, even if violent means are necessary.”

On being informed by a reporter at the press conference that this was “real piracy, not just downloading crappy flicks and tunes,” Felching turned red and left the room amid a chorus of laughter and jeers. No fewer than five objects of fresh produce (and several rotten ones) were hurled at him during his exit. He was struck by at least four of them, according to eyewitnesses in the front row.

A twelve year old girl claiming to be his daughter returned a minute later, saying, “April Fools Day, my daddy says he fooled ya!” She soon admitted that her daddy had told her to say this and that it didn’t make sense given that it was now April 14th, but had inexplicably broken out into sobs and had taken no less than three shots from a whiskey bottle before sending her out to speak for him.

When several reporters opined that her daddy was a felching idiot who was working for even bigger idiots, the young lady agreed. “But don’t tell my mommy,” she said. “It would break her heart.”

2 thoughts on “RIMPAA Sues Whole Nation of Somalia in a Major New Lawsuit Aimed at Ending Piracy

  1. We can “end” piracy in Somalia by stopping developing nations from dumping toxic waste off their shores and maybe feeding them with food that isn’t poison.

    Stabilizing their government would be a nice gesture as well, but we don’t have a good track record with that.

  2. Jer,

    Hey, I hear you, but watch out. Some idiot sent me an email that I think was supposed to go to you:

    Dear Mr. Toblerone,

    We would appreciate you not changing the subjekt to some silly other kinds of piracy. This is not 1850 and we’re not so worried about Captain Hook and eyepatches and parrakeets on bad guys shoulders. This is a neww era and the piracy that matters now is the kind of piracy that is ruinning the intertainment endustry. You don’t want Maddonna’s babies to starve do you? You don’t wanna murder all of Angeleena Jolly’s babys, right? Or are you a murderer? I hope not, you will go to hell if you are.

    If you insist on changing the subjet, well… you remember that mp3 you downloaded, once? We saw you do that, and we’ll sue your ass, bitchyboy. You know what they do with fantasy writters in jail? Hint: you’re names gonna be Arwen in two minutes flat, and some big nasty Sauron is gonna make you his bitch.

    Sincerely,
    Candy Felching,
    Representative, RIMPAA

    Dude, I’d watch out.

    But as for your response to that other kind of piracy, oh yes. Absolutely. I don’t think stabilizing anyone else’s government is such a good idea — though pumping their economy into life (in a blood transfusion sense) might help the Somali people do it themselves — but helping them to police the dumpings and not poisoning them would be a hell of a start.

    (But in the long run, the piracy is like any other crime: you can’t eradicate it completely, but you can make it a much less attractive option… by helping make the other options more attractive.)

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