This week’s Friday Five question comes from Marvin Long, who is currently co-hosting me with his with Keisha during my accident-ridden visit to Texas:
One morning you wake up and discover that whatever it was that bit, irradiated, or otherwise made contact with you yesterday has transformed you into a muscle-bound freak with a penchant for spandex leotards. What do you say to your spouse/significant other, your boss, your best friend, your parents, your first ass-whuppee?
So, as I mentioned, I just read the graphic novel Superman: Red Son so I’ve been thinking about the possible political ramifications of super-powers. In that graphic novel, they become deeply political issues. I’m not sure why they should do so when Superman lands in Ukraine but not when he lands in the Midwest of the USA, but anyway, I have been thinking about it.
So anyway, what would I say to each of those people? Let’s see:
The Big Conversations
with my girlfriend Lime:
Gord (handing Lime a coffee made with water heated by laser-vision): Hey, sweetie, since you have your general medical text book right there, I have a question for you.
Lime: What’s that?
Gord: Does it say anything about whether people can fly?
Gord: No, really.
Lime: You’re crazy.
Gord: Oh yeah? (Gord begins to levitate. Picks up Lime.) Wanna go for a spin?
Lime: A spin?
Gord: You know, fly around for a while?
Lime: Okay, but no holding my hand in front of the ajeoshis. You know how I feel about that.
Gord: No problem, honey.
Lime: Wait, does this mean you’re super-strong?
Lime: And you can… beat bad-guys up?
Lime: Are you gonna?
Gord: Later this afternoon, I think.
Lime: Be careful, honey!
Gord: I will. Hey, isn’t that… yeah! It’s Beijing! Wanna go for a walk in Beijing?
Lime: You’re crazy.
Gord: Heh heh heh.
with my boss:
My boss? Hahaha. It’d be in Korean, I guess, since I would have learned the Korean language during a ten minute span one afternoon. But in English, the email would go something like this.
Dear censored University,
I’m wondering whast the university policy is on super-powers. I am not aware of any mention of them in the Bible and it’s just I’ve discovered I have the ability to smash people apart with a flick of the wrist. Which, I might add, is good reason to give all the foreigners on staff a pay raise as well as set aside all of our severance pay yearly to ensure we do receive it.
Not that I’d do anything to you personally. That’d be wrong…
with my best friend (other than Lime):
Gord: Hey, where are you?
Charlie: In front of my computer talking to you.
Gord: And where am I?
Charlie: Not Very Bright Today Are You?
Gord: It’s a trick question.
Charlie: You’re a trick question.
Gord: I see.
Charlie: gotta go answer the doorbell…
Then he answers the door to see it’s me standing on the porch. We have a beer and hang out for a few hours.
with my parents:
Gord: Hey, Mum and Dad.
Mum: How did you get here? This is too expensive.
Gord: No, I got a free trip to Canada.
Dad: Free? How?
Mum: Is that possible?
Gord: Yes, it is. I flew here using my arms.
Mum: Oh my God, he was kicked out of the country because he went crazy. Too much of that damn kimchi stuff.
Gord (to mother, in perfect French): Non, maman. Connais-tu le Super-hero? J’en ai devenu un.
Mum: What? Now he’s really crazy. He thinks he is Spiderman.
Dad: Spiderbrain, maybe. I saw this once on a farm in Malawi. Someone drank the water and thought he was Napoleon.
Mum: Ah, and I saw in the bush, an old black guy who thought he was the President of the USA.
Gord simply listens patiently, and then begins to levitate.
Mum: Hey, what are you…? Oh, you’re not crazy. Well, it’s your spirit guides, you know.
Dad: Can you see his aura?
Mum: Yes, it’s… uh… it’s many colors. Every color. I think he maybe isn’t crazy.
Gord flies around the house once for good measure, to drive the point home.
Dad: Now, that I think means something.
Mum: What, he flew around the house. He’s a bird. Maybe it’s a bird spirit.
Gord: Mum, I have something I need to go do in Washington. I’m going to try to set some of the wrongs of the world to right.
Mum: Wait, I want to get another look at your aura. I read that on Atlantis, they had auras that were many colors and…
Dad: Gordon, wear this crystal under your, uh, costume. It’s good for keeping bad spirits away and focusing karmic oversoul energies—
Gord: Guys, I really gotta go. Love you. See you later!
(Gord flies off.)
Mum: —no, he doesn’t need that stupid crystal. He needs an amethyst, or maybe a piece of jade… your ruby won’t do him any good.
Dad: What? If it works for me, it should work for him, you know…
(slow fade of dispute)
with the recipient of the first ass-whipping I would hand out:
Gord: Listen, by definition you’re as much a terrorist as anyone else you’ve accused of being one. You’re the worst president ever, you’re an embarrassment to your family and to your nation, and everyone who your party failed to deny a proper education knows you’re not only a liar but also an amateur. You’ve caused the deaths of far too many people already. So I’m going to take you on a nice holiday to a tropical island and leave you there. If I ever hear of you causing any more trouble, though, your next holiday will be in outer space.
Joji Booshie: Yes sir. Just please don’t flick me in the forehead anymore. I’m starting not to be able to think.
Gord: Shut up, you should thank your lucky stars I’m going easy on you. If my friend Adam were in my shoes, you’d really be sorry.
I guess that’s about it. But there’s one caveat. I think, were I to become a superhero, I wouldn’t be the kind who was musclebound and wearing spandex tights and a cape. I think I’d be a lot more likely to wear a t-shirt and jeans and just wander around doing whatever I figure needs to be done.