“The Utmost Confidentiality”

Interesting how the Nigerian email scam has become a template for other scams:

Greetings from Dubai,
This letter must come to you as a big surprise, but I believe it is only a day that people meet and become great friends and business partners. I am Mr. Majid Al-Hussein, currently Chief Security Officer with a reputable security and finance company here in U. A. E. I write you this proposal in good faith, believing that I can trust you with the information I am about to reveal to you. I have an urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

Uh huh. Wow. Thanks, I don’t hardly get enough of those.

On November 10, 1999, an Iraqi Foreign Oil consultant/contractor with the CHEVRON PETROLEUM CORPORATION, Mr. Ahmed Haruna made a deposit of a trunk box in my company depository vault as family valuables, unknowingly that the content of the trunk box were funds valued at US$17,500,000.00 (Seventeen Million Five hundred Thousand Dollars only) in our company. This was my recent discovery that prompted me to take this very step of looking for someone to claim the funds with before it will get confiscated.

Oh my Gawd! Like, really? That’s, like, totally awful!

Upon maturity in 2003,as the Chief security officer, it is my duty to notify him on the maturity date so I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but the letter was returned undelivered.

Wait, by “upon maturity”, do you mean when you mature and outgrow this stupid scam?

After sometime, I tried sending back the letter, but it was again returned and finally I discovered from his contract employers, Chevron Petroleum Corporation that Mr.Ahmed Haruna died as a result of torture in the hand of Saddam Hussein (former Iraqi President) during one of his trips to his country Iraq, as he was accused of leaking information to the Americans.

Oh, I see. How terrible.

On further investigation, I discovered that Mr. Ahmed Haruna’s family wife and two sons died during the Gulf War in Iraq and was the reason why he did not declare any next of kin or relation in all his official documents, including his Deposit paperwork in my Company and did not leave any WILL.

Well, that was stupid of him! But what does this have to do with me?

This deposited trunk have been lying in our vault since the date of deposit, and the management have decided to term it abandoned deposit and this will result confiscating it by our government since no one have heard from the owner since 2003.

I thought the owner was dead? I should hope you don’t hear from him.

I wish to let you know that all the investigation I have made so far, my company management is not aware of it, I am the only one that have the information.

Will you give me the name of your company, so I can check whether this is true?

As the Chief security Officer in my Company, I have the power to influence the release of the deposit to any foreigner that comes up as the next of kin to the account, with the correct information concerning the account, which I shall give you.

Well, if they let you run security, now I think I understand why there are so many security issues in your part of the world these days.

All documents to enable you claim this fund will be carefully worked out and there is practically no risk involved, the transaction will be executed…

Note: you probably shouldn’t be using that word. Executed has a, well, bloody ring to it.

…under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law, If you accept to work with me, I want you to state how you wish us to share the funds in percentage, so that both parties will be satisfied.

But what if I can’t get no satisfaction?

If you are interested, contact me as soon as you receive this message so we can go over the details.

Immediately, sir! Of course! Because I’m a gullible stupid internets user.

Thanking you in advance and may God bless you.

I think this guy just cursed me in his religion or something.

Please, treat with utmost confidentiality. I shall send you copy of the deposit certificate issued to Mr. Ahmed Haruna when the deposit was made for your perusal. I wait your urgent response.

But you didn’t send me anything. I tell you what: if you’re on the level, why not buy me a ticket to, say, Greece, where we can meet and talk this over in person. Return ticket from Korea to Greece. Sounds fair, right? Considering all the risk you want me to take upon myself, fraud and all.

Regards,
Mr.Majid Al-Husain

Wait, your family name is Husain? As in, Hussein? And you’re hoping people are going to have faith in you? Yes, yes, I know, Zakir Hussein is a very cool guy, and people will someday remember that, but for now, buddy, take a hint. A name change is in order. Now.

I know, I know, it’s like shooting fish in the barrel. But it’s interesting how this email scam has mutated over time.

If anyone’s interested in emailing, or spamming, this idiot, the address he uses is:

[email protected]

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