Making a Leak

Dan asked this week’s Friday 5 question:

With the recent unveiling of famed Watergate source “Deep Throat”, a great mysterious chapter of journalism has been closed. However, you now have the chance to leak some incredible secrets to a young, new reporter. What would those five secrets be, and what would your code name be for each of them?

Well, since I don’t know any really big secrets, I shall have to make all of this up. Wink.

  1. Monsanto’s Plot Against The World Food Supply. Do you have any idea what they’re doing to the world food supply? You need to know. Because those lima beans? They’re not lima beans. That corn? You think it’s really corn? Ha. You’re in for a big surprise. My Codename: Bellyache.
  2. The Bush/Osama Connection. Everyone knows about the Bush/bin Laden connection; by now that’s old news. But you know, there are these funny phone numbers on the outgoing calls list from the Oval Office. To Afghanistan, at first, then to China, and now to a luxury resort in Barbados. You’ll never guess who he’s calling… though his terrorist-stimulating tactics in Iraq will make a lot more sense to you. Codename: Dust Devil.
  3. The Modernist Cults. You thought that World War II was about “stopping” the Axis powers? So I guess you’ve never heard about the Neo-Orphics? The Wotanic Order? The Shade Court? You have no idea what all those men died fighting about. None whatsoever. Codename: The Organist.
  4. The Virus. You think that television got into practically every home in the Western world just because it’s a form of entertainment? You think people stop reading and get addicted to TV as easily as if it’s heroin, just naturally? No, no no no. See, if you pull apart TV signals on most channels (except of course PBS) in just this way, you’ll see… yes, The Addiction Virus. Codename: The Doctor.
  5. The Secret History of Quebec. Now, it would take me a long time to get up the courage to leak all of this to that young reporter. If you thought the British Poutine Plot was evil—you know, where the English invented a meal consisting of fried potatoes, cheese curds, and fatty gravy, with the hope of plumping up (and slowing down) their French adversaries—you’re not gonna believe this. I advise all Quebecois to sit down before reading this.

    Okay, good. Now, here’s the thing. Back in 1830, the founders of Canada decided that the country was too big to run all as one territory. They’d exported all the French to Algeria, Indo-China, Iran, Louisana, and Saskatchewan already, but had not yet repopulated the old French territory.

    And then they hatched a devious plot. They took a bunch of poor Irish and Welsh and Scotch families, and installed a Brit French teacher with each one. They were given tracts of land for free, on the condition that they never, ever speak English again. They created faked family trees for these newly “French” families, and on several occasions individuals were held down and force-fed strange cheeses and patés until they claimed to love it and promised to eat the stuff regularly for life. It was a brutal time, and in retrospect it’s baffling that they just didn’t keep the French they had in the first place, because, fast-forward a few hundred years and look what we’ve got!

    But you know, putting this in the news in Quebec would be risky business indeed. I’d have to think long and hard and I think I’d have to use a really clever disguise. So… I think I’d go with no codename, via anonymous proxy, and all that. Totally anonymous.

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